Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*pronounces patio like ratio
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground