Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
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Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team