Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
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[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.