Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
What the hell is going on?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!