My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My work here is don’t.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot