okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.