There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
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sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
congratulations to them
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I’m Sold!
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.