“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.