Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Did I do this right
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.