Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.