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Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.