If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
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[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet