SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I put the mess in domestic.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴