mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.