Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
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[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet