asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
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Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me