I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
😂😂