*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
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cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.