me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
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[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The human personality is made of five key elements
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?