Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
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Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??