Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
🤣🤣🤣
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?