Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
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“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
We all have our pet causes.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
real
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.