I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
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Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.