cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
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why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
This is my bus stop.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*