*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
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Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.