therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?