Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?