Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
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When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.