Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
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When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
“Sheer Arrogance”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers