People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
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Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-