Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
You Might Also Like
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”