It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
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We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again