Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
my first dose meeting my second
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids