I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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When life hands you women, make women laid.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Body by cheese-puffs.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.