Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
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I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT