I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Every time my phone rings
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.