Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
look at me when i’m typing to you
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.