me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
You Might Also Like
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?