JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
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Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”