*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
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Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum