Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
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Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
They’re on their honeymoon
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too