fair
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you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
No, YOUR illiterate.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
The Birdles
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift