I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.