Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.