*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Well well well…
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
#NeverForget
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”