Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I can fix him.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.