I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
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My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
who wants to go expliring
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Is this you?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Your honor these allegations are
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Terribly Tuesday.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents