Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
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Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.