A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
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“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Easy enough.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
no such thing as a dumb question
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.