I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Remember folks 😂
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.